Evolutionary Change Towards the Vancouver Canucks

Posted on April 10, 2012 by RSK

By RSK

I have lived on planet Earth for 35 years and 7 months. Each year of a life represents an extraordinary amount of events, mostly repetitive and boring. Sleep, eat, and breathe. Repeat. A year of life is akin to the theory of punctuated equilibrium, which states that evolution of organisms tend to be involved in long periods of stasis only to undergo rapid evolutionary change in a relative short amount of time. I think that describes a typical year in someone’s life. Big events punctuate the clutter of the day to day in our memory banks leaving us with a scrapbook that gives us a fleeting summary of our lives. However, life events are subjective markers, viewed through temporal instruments tinted with retrospect unlike the hard carbon dated fossils of the Pleistocene epoch. What once felt like a major life catastrophe may have felt less epic years down the road compared to more recent events. Riding a bike for the first time, seeing Star Wars when I was five, Disneyland, a favourite Christmas, entering high school, being rejected by a girl, graduating to UBC, getting the first full time job and many others memories get trumped by other events thus altering the life history and evolution of all that a person may be involved in. Time and perspective become important tools on the archeological dig of our personal timeline.

For instance, 1994 was a special year for me, as it was my last year of high school, a fun and enjoyable year which culminated with the Vancouver Canucks going on a magical run through the playoffs losing in game seven to the New York Rangers. I remember so many events from that year and I can recall the heavy heart I had when I went back home from the Pacific Coliseum (game 7 in New York was played on a big screen at the rink) while the city started to smolder with the first deployment of tear gas cans used to quell the downtown riots. I was depressed and every year I would think of that run and how close the Canucks came to winning the Stanley Cup.

Last April, 17 years later, was the beginning of another run to the Stanley Cup finals by my beloved Vancouver Canucks. The cast was different but the end results were eerily similar. For game seven of the Stanley Cup finals, I had gathered with a group of friends on UBC campus to watch the game. We were all die-hard Canucks fans going way back before 1994, back when we were mentally abused by a team that consistently lost. We were hoping to end all those years of disappointment and torture that night. Two of our friends had even bought last minute flights from Toronto and Edmonton just to watch the game with all of us. You can imagine the disappointment and frustration when the Canucks were not even close to winning that game. I was angry with the effort and so frustrated as a fan. But even though I think about that series from time to time and how the Canucks let the Cup slip through their fingers, I did not dwell on it like I did in 1994. Why is that? Was I more mature? Debatable. Was I less of a fan? No. I would argue that I am a bigger fan now. No, there was something else that occurred in 2011 that gave me monumental perspective. An event that took my life an evolutionary step forward, which shook up the period of stasis in my life, signaling the end of my pre-Cambrian era.

It was an event that caused an immense change for just one year. A year in which I have never had less consecutive nights of full sleep. A year with less dining in restaurants. A year with less movie and television viewing. A year in which I have never done more loads of laundry. A year of never washing more dishes. A year of never being more worried. A year of never being more stressed. Sounds like 2011 was a terrible year, right? I have never had a better year in my life.

I have never been so overjoyed with simple gestures. Never been so excited to hear monosyllabic sounds like “gah”. Never been so excited to see someone crawl. Never so relieved to see someone eat. Never so excited for someone to fall asleep. Never so happy to see a big blob of poo. Never so smitten by a smile. I have never been so content in my life.

I got home after game 7 that evening and was welcomed at the door by my beautiful wife. All my disappointment and angry dissipated as I walked through the door to watch the most peaceful thing on a small video monitor, a stark contrast to the chaos that raged in the riots downtown on the television screen in our living room. I believe I was depressed for weeks with the 1994 loss. At this moment in 2011, I had full perspective on what was truly important and that my life would be wonderful even with this latest Canuck setback. Sure, it would have been nice if the Canucks had won, but I don’t need to look back years from now “in retrospect” to recognize that 2011 was not going to be marred because of some sporting event.

I am living in a period of rapid change and I am loving every moment of it. I feel like everything has significance these days. I feel like what was once considered mundane could potentially be a key milestone. I am looking through life with new perspective glasses and it has put a rosy tint on everything. The past year was busy, yet I look forward to the upcoming ones with my family. Whatever the shared moments will be, I know they will be add to the new scrapbook that I started forming in my head on April 10th, 2011–the day our son arrived. I am looking forward to many more special milestones to share with our son. And hey, if one of them happens to be cheering and watching the Canucks raise the Stanley Cup together, all the better. Happy 1st birthday Austin.

Life Lessons I Learned from Road House

Posted on March 16, 2012 by HS

by HS

There are certain things that you learn to appreciate as you grow older. Usually, upon experiencing these things, you wonder how you ever lived without them before that day. Everyone has examples of these and it’s a list that grows as you age. One of the items on my list is the movie “Road House” starring Patrick Swayze. Yes, you read that correctly. Please let me explain…once you stop laughing that is.

Many years ago, my friends and I used to go to a local bar that was frequented by many people from our high school. It was one of those places that at the time seemed cheesy and run down but looking back now, it was the source of a lot of fun. We went to school with several of the bouncers at that bar and I remember one day sitting around with them and somehow we started talking about the movie “Road House,” which coincidentally is about a bouncer and a nightclub.

Anyway, these guys could not stop raving about this movie. I admit, at the time I wasn’t a huge Patrick Swayze fan and a movie centering on him as a bouncer at a cheesy small town nightclub didn’t really interest me. However, their testimonials stuck with me and a while later, on one of those socially slow nights when you find yourself wandering alone through the “weekly rental” section of your video store, I saw “Road House” staring back at me on the rack. Remembering the praise this movie earned, I picked it up and headed for the checkout. My thinking at the time was that I should at least give it a chance based on the cover charges my bouncer friends had helped me avoid. Little did I know how that decision would affect my life.

At first pass, “Road House” seemed like an errant script for an episode of “Knight Rider” that was somehow made into a feature film. But after the first viewing, I just couldn’t just dismiss it so easily. Something brought me back. In hindsight I think there was something more to it. I call it “instinct.” (Actually you could probably just call it being cheap and wanting to maximize the privileges of the weekly rental. Regardless, the result was the aforementioned impact on my life.)

The second to fifth viewings really opened me up to the genius of the movie – a genius that was ultimately embodied by the delivery of a feather haired Patrick Swayze as the protagonist,Dalton. Sure, the true philosophy was in the written script, but it was Swayze’s delivery that drove home the strength of the words.

In a few weeks, I’m expecting the arrival of my first child. Coincidentally, so is my wife. As the date nears, I find myself “preparing” and thinking about how I want to parent, what type of role model I want to be, etc. I also happened to stumble upon another Swayze classic movie, “Red Dawn” on AMC the other day. This got me thinking back to “Road House”, all the brilliance in that movie, and more specifically, how I could take the life lessons I learned from “Road House” and impart them upon my kid. Sounds preposterous? Not really. Stay with me on this one.

Now I could break down this movie on several levels. However by doing so, I would this little column would easily burn up 10,000 words. Yes, that’s how much fuel I have in the tank for this movie. So for now, let’s ignore a few things.

Let’s ignore the comedy like how Dalton enjoys a cigarette after a grueling workout, how he beats a guy up and then shakes the back of his mullet for effect, how the movie incorporates a monster truck as a commuter vehicle and no one seems to notice, and how Dalton incorporates the top half of a karate uniform into his everyday wardrobe…and somehow pulls it off.

Let’s ignore some of the special surprises in the movie like the gratuitous nudity, Wesley trying to kill Dalton by throwing a spear at him, and watching Dalton seduce Dr. Elizabeth Clay while slowly realizing you’re watching Swayze seduces every woman in every movie he’s ever been in.

Let’s ignore the gimmes like Dalton’s Three Simple Rules, the running “I thought you’d be bigger” joke, the often referenced “pain don’t hurt” quote, and even the ultimate, jaw-dropping, no comeback, smackdown insult, “I used to f*ck guys like you in prison”, a line that if it were ever dropped in a conversation today, would have guys falling over in disbelief like NBA players during a slam dunk contest.

I’m even going to ignore delving into the debatable aspects of the movie that still frequent my thoughts like how no one has used “Road House” and countless other Swayze movies to launch a fighting style/fitness craze based on the fundamentals of theatre dance techniques.

Nope. Today I’m going to concentrate on the deeper themes of the movie and how these themes bring about philosophies that could only be delivered by “the best damn cooler in the business.” Of course, this is just one man’s interpretation of the movie. A movie like this acted by a guy like Patrick Swayze is bound to be interpreted differently but I can honestly say that since that evening when I first watched the movie, I have extracted and used the wisdom in “Road House” to rationalize and navigate through my own life, even subconsciously. And now I plan to pass these teachings on to the next generation.

Much of this wisdom comes straight from the dialogue Dalton has with the other characters in the film so there isn’t much need for my commentary but I do believe this wisdom should be highlighted. Unfortunately, it has already taken me well over 1000 words just to get here. So without further ado, here is what I like to refer to as the life lessons I learned from Road House:

Lesson 1: Think, observe and plan before you act.

The Road House Testimony:

Dalton: “It’s a job. It’s nothing personal.”

Bouncer Trainee: “Being called a c*cks*cker isn’t personal?”

Dalton: “No. Its two nouns combined to illicit a prescribed response.”

Bouncer Trainee: “What if somebody calls my momma a whore?”

Dalton: “Is she?”

Lesson 2: Know your place in life, whether it be in your work life or personal life, and always be respectful to others until you are given a reason not to be. In difficult or ambiguous situations, don’t be afraid to talk to trusted friends and people with experience.

The Road House Testimony:

Dalton: “I want you to be nice until it’s time to not be nice.”

Different Bouncer Trainee: “How are we supposed to know when that is?”

Dalton: “You won’t. I’ll let you know. You are the bouncers, I’m the cooler. All you have to do is watch my back and each others’ and take out the trash.”

Lesson 3: Frequently, the root cause of your problems lies within your own actions. If you don’t address these causes, your problems will persist.

The Road House Testimony:

Carrie Ann (barmaid) laughs at Dalton

Dalton: “What is the joke?”

Carrie Ann: “Well there’s no joke. I just think I’m looking at a dead man though.”

Dalton: “Seems everywhere I go I hear that same joke.”

Carrie Ann: “Yeah? Well something tells me you bring it on yourself.”

Lesson 4: Rather than lamenting, always try to make light of a disappointing situation.

The Road House Testimony:

Dr. Elizabeth Clay: “How does a man like you end up a bouncer?”

Dalton: “Just lucky I guess.”

Lesson 5: No matter what life sends your way, never underestimate your ability to persevere and adapt to even the most adverse situation.

The Road House Testimony:

Garrett: “You having trouble?”

Dalton: “Ah you know, nothing I’m not used to. But it’s amazing what you can get used to huh?”

Lesson 6: Spend time upfront to prepare for upcoming situations and events as well as learning from mistakes. With this training and experience, you will find confidence.

The Road House Testimony:

Dr. Elizabeth Clay: “Are you always better than they are?”

Dalton: “Pretty much”

Clay: “Never been put down?”

Dalton: “No. Not really.”

Clay: “How do you explain that?”

Dalton: “The ones who go looking for trouble are not much of a problem for someone who’s ready for them. I suspect it’s always been that way.”

Lesson 7: Do not run from your problems and inner demons, which are things we all have. Instead, always have the courage to confront them head-on.

The Road House Testimony:

No specific quote here but I always thought that the Jimmy character was the Bizarro Dalton – basically embodying all of the bad qualities Dalton saw in himself. He was even built similarly and also sported a mullet that was a darker version of Dalton’s own hair. Throughout the movie, you just know they were going to brawl one-on-one and (without spoiling the ending) their fight does not disappoint. However, I interpreted their fight not as a battle of Good Guy vs. Bad Guy but as a representation of Dalton’s struggle with the not-so-nice aspects of his own self. Dalton saw a lot of Jimmy in himself (especially in his past self) and therefore he was actually confronting his own demons in that fight. That’s my take. By the way, I also feel like a huge dork right now.

Lesson 8: Occasionally, it will serve you better to project an image that isn’t an accurate representation of your true self. It is OK to do so, particularly when it comes to your career or getting a date.

The Road House Testimony:

Dalton: “If I keep talking, you’re gonna go on thinking I’m a nice guy.”

Doctor Elizabeth: “I know you’re not a nice guy.”

(That was the same reason Dalton chose to drive a beater in favor of his tricked out Benz coupe. Again, I find myself feeling dorky.)

Lesson 9: When your nemesis calls you up and asks you to choose between whether your friend dies or whether your love interest dies and then your buddy stumbles in at that moment looking like he’s gotten his ass kicked, take your buddy with you when you go and check on your love interest.

The Road House Testimony:

This was the one thing about this movie that always bothered me. Dalton gets the call where he has to choose between Garrett and Doctor Elizabeth. Just then, Garrett stumbles through the door and instead of taking him along, Dalton leaves Garrett alone in the bar, already beaten up, while he goes to check on the Doctor. Do you think Garrett fared well in this scenario? How hard would it have been to lay him out in the back seat while Dalton drove to get the Doctor? These are the things that raise my blood pressure.

And there you have it: all of this wisdom found within an unassuming movie about a bouncer at a small town bar. Surprisingly, most of the real pearls occur in the first half, after which the movie goes from a deep philosophical commentary to a classic 80s action flick. So basically it gets even better. On that note, cue the late Jeff Healey (R.I.P.) to play us out to the credits…

R.I.P. Patrick Swayze

The Things I am Most Grateful For (March Edition)

Posted on March 7, 2012 by HS

by HS

I’ll start off with what I’m not thankful for: moving. Is there any life task more horrible than moving? (For the purposes of this discussion, let’s ignore any life task that involves your hands and/or nostrils coming in contact with human waste. Use your imaginations. I’ll wait.)

It’s been a busy few weeks and the Dispatch has definitely suffered. However, I’m inspired by an email from some guy/girl who actually used the email address “WD@____.com” and posted the comment “I declare this blog dead.” Profound, borderline creepy but ultimately, it was inspiring. In many ways, this comment is valid. We had lost our way and become too tied up in our regular lives doing things like working, moving, sleeping, eating, etc. Where it’s not valid is that we are not dead, just slipping in and out of a coma. Today we are alert and awake, sipping OJ and eating green Jello. I can’t promise we won’t slip into another coma in the future but we will try to stay active if only for the great things coming up in March! (Great segue HS, great segue.) Without further ado, here are a few of the things I am looking forward to in March:

I AM GRATEFUL FOR THE RETURN OF MADMEN. I sort of missed the boat on this show when it first launched but because of our Netflix.ca purgatory a few months ago, I found the show to be an oasis of pristine white toilet paper in a sea of video feces. I quickly burned through four seasons of the show and I’m eagerly awaiting the return of the show later this month. Bonus points to the AMC network’s adds for the show that have made me better appreciate the characters not named Don Draper. Initially, I thought the show was only interesting because of Don Draper and he was the only character with any depth. However odd, it took a series of very short promo ads for me to appreciate how good characters like Pete and Betty are. They’re still nowhere near as interesting as Draper but I’m in a better spot overall. I feel like I’m sounding like a typical mean spirited blog nerd now so I’ll just stop because I’m sure Don Draper wouldn’t approve.

I AM GRATEFUL FOR THE NCAA MARCH MADNESS TOURNAMENT. I’ll admit that I don’t watch college basketball anymore and that I’ve pretty much stopped following it since top stars would either enter the league right after high school or after one or two years of college, thus diminishing the significance of teams. When I was younger, you followed teams like Michigan and UNLV almost as fervently as you would follow a juggernaut NBA team. Now, I don’t really care. Unless it’s March Madness and then a switch is flipped and I’m like my mom during the NHL playoffs. Suddenly I care about what team is doing what, I’m entering pools and I’m paying attention, reading news and making comments like I’ve been a lifelong college hoops fan. I’m waiting for the inevitable “Cinderella” team to emerge and I’m cheering against Duke at every turn. I can’t think of another non-Olympics sports tournament that can pull in people like March Madness. It’s also great that the players in the tournaments can also make some extra money off all the media coverage, fan attention and merchandise sales, thus helping them get a good start on life, pay some bills for their families and share in the overall success. Wait, what?

I AM (STILL) GRATEFUL FOR THE CELEBRITY APPRENTICE. Two words: Adam Carolla. He makes the show, so much so that in week two, he was absent for the show due to a wedding and my wife suggested we fast forward to the end (which we did). Need proof? Here’s the first joke Carolla told when the players announced the charities they are playing for, “I’m playing for the charity White Kids Without iPads…it’s a serious problem.” You could actually hear people in the crew and the live band laughing when he said it.

I AM GRATEFUL THAT THE WALKING DEAD IS INTERESTING AGAIN. It’s been well documented by professional writers (i.e. better than me) that the Walking Dead TV show has suffered since the departure of creator Frank Darabont. You can read up on the reasons on your own, including the conspiracy theories and the reasons related to Mad Men creator Matthew Weiner. The end result is that the show went from a fast paced, comic book style show with lots of interesting layers and subtle commentary about human nature to a grindingly slow prototypical television drama with the usual predictable storylines except it was set in a world of zombies. Three episodes into Season One and I was telling everyone I knew to watch the show, saying it was the best first three episodes to any TV show I’ve ever seen (with Lost being one exception but stating exceptions doesn’t help my grandiose claims). Three episodes into Season Two and I was disappointed, wondering what happened to a great show as I watched not out of “what’s going to happen next” anticipation but out of “something good has to happen soon” anticipation. Luckily the committee that now runs the show seems to have turned it around last month and it seems to be riding an upswing in action while digging out of slow moving pointless storylines.

I AM GRATEFUL FOR THE END OF THE NHL SEASON. That sentence implies one thing but I mean something else. What I mean is that in a season with 82 games played, it’s hard to get excited in the 25 – 50 game range. When you start nearing the end of the season, the top teams really emerge, the lower end teams fight for the last few playoff spots and as a fan, you genuinely start to get excited about potential matchups, the health of players, teams on streaks, etc. Basically how you feel during a football season. Maybe it’s just me but when you have a demanding job, family priorities, social engagements, personal errands and lists to work through, it’s hard to stay engaged in an 82 game season, not counting playoffs and pre-season. Regardless, I’m focused in now.

I AM ALSO GRATEFUL for my health, family’s health, a new job that also lets me work from home a few days a week, living in a decent home, having a baby on the way and getting inspirational backhanded comments from readers of the site that help push me off my butt to actually write something. Similar to last month, I just wanted to get those on the board along with the TV stuff.

Thoughts on Linsanity, Race, and Two Other Asian Athletes

Posted on February 22, 2012 by RSK

By RSK

The Linsanity movement has been percolating in my head for over a week and I felt compelled to write something, even though the case of Jeremy Lin has probably been exhausted in this era of hyper-media. His first three games made for a nice story, but I think we are raised to be cynics with sports, because anyone who bursts onto the scene rarely lasts (my favourite Canuck to do so was winger Jason King–scoring a ton of goals with the Sedin twins, forming the “Mattress Line”, he was gone before we knew it). Then Lin kept winning and doing so with audacious style. I went complete Linsane (I know I should stop with the puns, but it is too easy) when he hit the buzzer beater three-pointer against the Toronto Raptors and I was hooked with the rest of America.

I along with many others was swept up in his back story and the pure joy he brought to the New York Knicks, playing with verve, panache, and bravado. What I didn’t foresee through the excitement of enjoying someone’s success out of the blue was the issue of race, an issue that you would think would be a moot point in the year 2012. I guess I should have seen it with the slightly racial tweets that started popping up (Lin is the first Asian that drives well) and I thought I would be properly girded against any racial taunts or silliness at my age, firmly ensconced in my self-esteem bubble, proud of my ethnic heritage and my national identity (Korean-Canadian). I thought wrong. Last Saturday, when ESPN put up the headline “Chink in the Armor” after Lin and the Knicks lost to the New Orleans hornets on Friday, I was filled with anger and disappointment. Anger at a word that took me back to growing up in mostly white suburban neighbourhoods. Anger at a word, with its harsh cacophony, that managed to act like a verbal knife stabbing me with pain. Disappointment for every Asian born in North America, that even after the many decades of being in this country, that this sort of insensitivity could even occur. I don’t consider myself overtly politically correct and I usually don’t make a big deal of such things, but seeing this one word, displayed on ESPN struck a chord within me. Now, I appreciate that Jeremy Lin has brought the racial issue to the forefront and that millions of Asians in North America have someone we can identify with or be proud of.

I wish I could be more eloquent with this, but I will leave it to Saturday Night Live for capturing the ridiculousness of some of the Lin comments and also this excellent article by Grantland’s Jay Caspian Kang, which does a great job of capturing the emotions of what I have felt with the emergence of Lin.

I was also surprised at how emotional I was from watching Lin play. The highlights from Knicks game against the Dallas Mavericks got to me, because seeing Lin delivering at the right moments and seeing the crowd swept up in the moment… it was weirdly cathartic. Check out the pure joy when the three fans hug at the 4:28 mark and then watch how his teammates react when Lin drains a three over Dirk Nowitzki at the 5:50 mark. Also check out Spike Lee wearing a Harvard jersey with “Lin”, the most brilliant thing he has done since… Inside Man?

Finally, Linsanity has made me think of some other Asian athletes that I followed, excited seeing someone with some success at the professional level. There were many, but I chose to focus on two of them.

Jim Paek: My favourite player growing up was Mario Lemieux, which meant that I rooted for the Pittsburgh Penguins in the playoffs, as Vancouver was rarely doing anything of substance. Imagine my surprise and delight seeing Jim Paek getting called up to play in their Stanley Cup run, culminating with scoring a goal in the Stanley Cup finals, set up from my idol Lemieux no less. Jim Paek, Stanley Cup champion, you are an inspiration to me and probably the main reason I can dig deep every beer league hockey season to average three goals. Three goals a season.

Chan Ho Park: I was excited to see Chan Ho Park enjoy some early success with the Los Angeles Dodgers. I want to believe that he was the first full-time Korean player in the MLB. My cherished memory involves going to watch a Seattle Mariners game in the lovely confines of Safeco Field (if you have never been, you like baseball, then hop on down the I-5 immediately). The Texas Rangers were in town, the team that Chan Ho Park was playing on at the time. My friend and I got there early to watch the players warm-up. As we stood by the dugouts on the third base line, I saw Chan Ho Park sauntering out to the outfield. For some strange reason, I felt compelled to shout his name out, the proper Korean way. “Pak Chan-O!” He heard me and looked over and there were two Korean guys in their mid-twenties, awkwardly standing there looking at him. He gave a sort of slow half wave and again we stood there frozen in time, two idiots amongst a sea of children clamouring for autographs. All we could do was grin. What is worse, Chan Ho Park came by later and tossed a baseball towards us. I swear he was lobbing it to me and it was a perfect toss into my hands. I promptly dropped it with the lead hands that I have and I watched it drop to the ground to be swallowed up by the sea of frenzied children hopped up on pre-game cotton candy. My friend could only shake his head in embarrassment. For those watching, it probably perpetuated the stereotype that Asians are nerdy, studious robots, who excel at math and not athletics. Thank goodness Jeremy Lin arrived almost a decade later to change those perceptions. Now will please excuse me. I have to get back to my calculus exercises.

The Things I am Most Grateful For (February Edition)

Posted on February 10, 2012 by HS

by HS

It’s been a bit of a whirlwind since I returned back to TV. As a quick recap, instead of getting rid of Netflix completely and returning to the warm, comforting arms of my DVR, which was packed with great shows I had been stockpiling for my eventual parole, like Kelly Taylor in the original “90210”, I chose “me” instead of Brandon (my DVR) or Dylan (Netflix). The end result? A lot of TV. But oddly, I still feel disconnected because I’m basically burning through all the shows I had recorded on my DVR, watching the occasional special TV program (usually sports or sports entertainment), or still watching stuff on Netflix. In short, I haven’t checked out anything really that ‘new’. So shows I would have pounced on like “Alcatraz” are left unwatched.

Still, its hard not to be grateful for what I’ve been given and what I’m about to be given…in the realm of TV anyway. I’m grateful for most of what life has given me too but that goes without saying. Or perhaps the life stuff is what I should be saying and TV should be the thing that doesn’t require discussion. So confused. Let’s start with the TV and go from there.

I AM GRATEFUL FOR FOOTBALL. We made our return during a fantastic New Orleans/San Francisco tilt that felt like it was sent to me as a sign from God letting me know it was a good decision to come back to watching TV. That fourth quarter will go down as God’s wink-and-finger-gun as if to say, “good choice bro”. It culminated last weekend with a great Superbowl match up, lots of fun and joking around with the boys and relief that I didn’t have to awkwardly explain why I had to keep my back to the TV at all times.

I AM GRATEFUL FOR THE NEW SEASON OF “EASTBOUND AND DOWN”. Starting February 19^th, Kenny Powers has to be one of the greatest television comedy characters created in the last few years. (Other characters at this table include Jack Donaghy, the increasingly funnier Ron Swanson, Cameron Tucker and probably a bunch of others from shows I don’t watch and have thus ignored here.) Anyway, I’m delighted by his return and if you want a taste, check out this open letter from Kenny Powers to Tim Tebow as posted on Grantland.com:

http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7552472/kenny-powers-eastbound-sends-open-letter-tim-tebow

I AM GRATEFUL FOR SITCOMS. One area that Netflix Canada lacks is sitcoms. The service is packed with dramatic TV shows, but with the exception of a couple of gems like “Arrested Development” and likely one or two others that I can’t recall, it’s a bit of a vacuum. I grew up on watching sitcoms. I enjoy them and I think some of the best sitcoms are being made these days. We’ve departed from the stereotypical formulaic, family focused, laugh track punctuated fare and gotten into newer, uncharted comedic territory. (Note, for future discussion purposes, I credit this shift to the Fox network in the early 1990s.) The humour in these newer sitcoms is less obvious, more “out there” or dark, and less predictable. I give up quickly on sitcoms if I can see the jokes and plot turns coming. I’m not bragging but in a world where there is so much content, why waste time on crap that is recycling stuff we’ve already seen hundreds of times? What’s the point when you can see it coming? Why not be challenged, laugh at something totally bizarre and marvel at the person or team that came up with the idea. Wait, does this make me the hipster snob I was railing against a few days ago? Don’t answer, it’s a Friday and I don’t want to cause traffic issues by standing on the edge of a bridge contemplating making a jump. Let’s pretend I’m not acting like a douche and move on.

I AM GRATEFUL FOR THE CELEBRITY APPRENTICE. Look, I hate reality TV. (Am I being douchy again?) I love me some Donald Trump and his words, actions and general delivery is the highest of high unintentional or perhaps geniously intentional comedy. The show grew boring with MBAs licking his boots on a weekly basis and the slumping ratings proved others agreed, however, Trump and Mark Burnett smartly rebooted the show by putting in a bunch of C list and lower celebrities playing for charity. This makes for fascinating TV in my opinion because you know most of the names coming in, you’ve never seen their real personalities but you know there is a lot of ego involved and you’re usually guaranteed a bunch of nut jobs in the mix. Also, this year features a few comedians like Adam Carolla, Lisa Lampanelli and the Artist Formerly Known as Arsenio Hall, which should add some nice comedic depth beyond Trump.

I AM GRATEFUL FOR THE ACADEMY AWARDS. I’m not sure why. The host hasn’t been good in years, you sit through three plus hours of bland speeches and awards no one cares about in the hopes that something exciting happens. The fashion doesn’t really interest me and neither does the “glamour” aspect. With the expanded number of nominations and more demands on my personal time, I’m lucky if I’ve seen two or three of the big films. So why do I red circle this on my calendar every year and look forward to it? I have no idea, but I’ll be watching again this year.

I AM ALSO GRATEFUL for my health, family’s health, a new and exciting job, having a baby on the way and being able to shop at stores like Banana Republic without feeling too guilty. Just wanted to get those on the board along with the TV stuff.

What Have I Been Watching?

Posted on February 8, 2012 by RSK

By RSK

So it has almost been a month since HS and I have quit Netflix (January 14th) and I must say that it has been nice returning back to the real world. With an infant, viewing time has been reduced, but I do enjoy that my wife and I can now sit down with each other and watch movies together. I still am behind on a lot of shows and the PVR is reaching a critical status (all these exclamation points stress me out with their threats of deleting episodes), but it is nice to simply have a choice. A choice to watch what I want and not be refined. This is why so many people fought so valiantly for our freedom, so I can enjoy cable TV. Ahhh first world issues.

I have decided to give a brief tally of what I have watched with some comments peppered in. I think I may be shocked at how much I have watched, even though I am watching nowhere the amount that I used to.

Television:

5 episodes of “Parks and Rec“: If I was a teenaged girl, I would “heart” this show and “BFF” it to death. Consistently, funny with heart, I can’t think of a better ensemble cast than this one. Andy was a character that I disliked in season 1 and now he brings me much joy (Chris Pratt plays him with the innocence of a ten-year old boy). Also, Ron Swanson is the man.

4 episodes of Big Bang Theory: I had these episodes on in the background while washing dishes or cooking. I don’t know which part of that last sentence I am more ashamed of. This show likes to throw down tons of geek and nerd references, but it is pretty unforgettable. I don’t hate the show, but I could live without it. Kaley Cuoco makes me laugh as does Jim Parsons. I could do without the weak plot device of Raj needing to drink just to talk with women though.

2 episodes of Entourage: Everything you need to know about the inconsequential final season can be summed up by this: I watched these two episode out-of-order by accident and missing the previous one did not cause an iota of viewing confusion. I still had to watch this season, even though it was like being in a relationship that should have ended months ago. I can’t say that Entourage wasn’t good to me. It taught me a valuable lesson. When life deals you a problem, don’t worry because in about 30 minutes everything will fall your way and the problem will be solved. Without you having to do anything.

2 episodes of HBO’s 24/7 Flyers vs Rangers:

What a tremendous series. Last year’s Penguins vs Capitals was an excellent insight into the world of NHL hockey. So much of it was enjoyable and seeing the different personalities at play, especially the coaches was illuminating. This year’s Winter Classic series does not disappoint. Bryzgalov takes it to another level. The way HBO films and edits this series is glorious. The poetry that they capture about the game of hockey is riveting. I would pay anything to see this series follow the Vancouver Canucks. Burrows and Bieksa would be worth it. Alas, we will have to settle for Brian Burke and the Make Believes.

Also, I watched what amounts to two Canucks games (San Jose, a bit of Chicago, the Wings shootout, and the third period of the Nashville game.) I also watched the Superbowl, but strangely did not watch any of the NFC or AFC championship games. I also watched the Australian Opens semi-finals of Roger Federer vs Rafael Nadal (sets 1-2) along with the Aussie Opens finals of Novak Djokovic vs Rafael Nadal (sets 1-2, fell asleep, set 5). I will not lie. It is great to be able to watch some sports again.

Movies

Water For Elephants:

I can see a lot of benefits and positives in marriage and relationships. One of the negatives is having to watch corny romantic dramas from time to time. Somehow I feel like these sort of cringe-inducing movies involve Robert Pattinson, Katherine Hiegl, or Kate Hudson.

Robert Pattinson’s character goes in for an interview with the circus. I think the flashback narrative told by the older self is a lazy storytelling gimmick (utilized in movies like Titanic). In real life, the old man would get two minutes into wacky poetic about his early circus life and the young guy would either throw him out or zone out. Instead he listens intently to what would have to be at least a two-hour story. “Listen old man!!! I don’t care about your romantic history. Do you want the job cleaning out the elephant stall or not?” I can’t explain it by Reese Witherspoon bothers me. I don’t trust her.

The Help:

Another movie that I watched, because of my dear, lovely wife. Much has been said about this movie. I will say this. I enjoyed it. Much more than I thought. Still, it was a little corny at times and almost bordering on cheesy sentimentality. I did think the cast was very good. Viola Davis, Octavia Spencer, Jessica Chastain, and Emma Stone elevated the script of this movie. I am surprised that Jessica Chastain got an Oscar nomination. I also link you to Grantland’s Mark Harris’s take on Viola Davis’s Oscar nomination along with his thoughts on the movie. Interesting takes that you may agree or disagree with, but good food for thought.

Moneyball:

We are trying our best to get through a lot of the Oscar Best Picture nominees. The Help was one of them. Moneyball is another. I had heard great things about this movie. Based on Michael Lewis’s book of the same name (he also wrote “The Blind Side”), this book talks about how Oakland A’s general manager, Billy Beane, revolutionized the game of baseball looking at stats (something that pioneer, Bill James had been trumpeting) for value in players. The movie was good, but not Best Picture good. Brad Pitt looked older than I have ever remembered him looking while Jonah Hill sure has come a long way since “Superbad”. Sorry, I should say Oscar-nominated Jonah Hill. For me, the movie lacked a bit in the sports scenes and when your climatic scene is based on extending a winning streak, yet your team loses in the playoffs again, the Moneyball advantage feels a bit overblown. Don’t get me wrong, I like the movement towards use of statistics in all sports, but it is just one part of the success in teams. The fact that the Oakland A’s have struggled the last five years, may suggest that maybe they were good partly due to a stellar pitching staff at that time (Hudson, Zito, and Mulder). Certainly, other teams wising up to the way the A’s were using their resources meant that the A’s also no longer have a competitive advantage. Still, Aaron Sorkin can write the best dialogue and you could do much worse with other movies. I am looking at you “Water for Elephants”.

Midnight in Paris:

Another Oscar nominated flick, starring Owen Wilson and directed by Woody Allen. I enjoyed this movie, simply because it was quirky and funny. The premise is pretty sci-fi as Wilson is a writer that manages to travel back to different ages in Paris’s history, meeting famous greats like Hemingway, Fitzgerald, and Picasso to name a few along the way. It also reveals my deplorable knowledge of historical dates. I haven’t seen a Woody Allen film in a while, so who am to judge, but this movie is a strong vehicle for his writing and directing. There is a love of Paris saturated throughout the film, similar to any ode that Allen has done for New York. Seeing the sights brought back great memories of my trip there with my wife four years ago. What a city. It should be on the top of your list of places to visit. For me, the part that resonated, was the epiphany of Wilson’s character had–in every era, someone thought that the past was better, that the past was THE Golden Age. Yet someone else in the future would think the exact same thing about the current age that other person was in, that the other person was in THE Golden Age. I wish I could be more eloquent about that nice little epiphany that the movie gave me, but that is why I am writing this blog and Allen is still churning out the films.

50/50:

I am sort of split on this movie. My recommendation could go either way. It is really a flip of the coin. Ok, enough fun with the title. Seth Rogen and Joseph Levitt-Gordon star in this well-done feature about a young guy dealing with a diagnosis of cancer. This movie didn’t pull any punches, had the right combination of humour and heart. Seth Rogen shines in a sidekick role and Bryce Dallas Howard caps a busy year delivering solid supporting roles (she was the main antagonist in “The Help”). I can see why this movie struggled in the theatres as it is not an outright comedy or drama. I still felt it tackled the issues in a semi-realistic manner, except for maybe the ending. It was also subtle in a good way, with the nicest touch being a book that Levitt-Gordon finds in Rogen’s washroom.

I hope I can get to watch the rest of the Oscar nominated films, but unless “The Artist” or “The Descendants” come out on DVD soon, that is unlikely. It feels good to be able to catch up on movies. I missed them dearly. And I am already salivating at this year’s superhero cinema extravaganza: Ghost Rider 2.

Kidding. I am referring to “The Avengers” (We have a Hulk!), “Spider-Man”, and “The Dark Knight”. I have watched each of the three trailers multiply times now. If you haven’t, shame on you. Shame on you.

It Might Get Loud

Posted on February 6, 2012 by HS

by HS

I think there is enough Superbowl related content out there that I don’t need to dog pile on. I will say this: I am glad I got off my Netflix Only diet just in time to watch the build up and championship game. I will also say that these games are much more fun when you are with your buddies and everyone agrees to chip in $20 and you just make prop bets all game long on things like “the next drive will be a touchdown or field goal”, “the Giants will outscore the Patriots in the third quarter,” or “one of the halftime performers will do something inappropriate that will later be described with word ‘gate’ attached to it”. You get the idea.

What I will also recommend is that if you choose to do this, you do it on a gaming site that doesn’t require you to amass $500 in winnings before being able to cash out. Otherwise you end up with Monday morning email conversations about who we should be on to win various Academy Award categories. Then again, maybe that’s not such a bad thing.

So instead of the Superbowl, I’m writing about a documentary called “It Might Get Loud” that I watched on Netflix after the game. Unlike the mandated movies I was forced to watch under our previous arrangement, I found this on my free will based on a high user rating, a cool title and the short description: “A documentary on the electric guitar from the point of view of three significant rock musicians: the Edge, Jimmy Page and Jack White.” It did not disappoint.

If you like music and you’re not a hipster snob that only likes bands unheard of in the mainstream and scoffs at anything else, you should watch this movie. Actually if you’re that type of hipster music snob, please stop reading and never click on this site again. Just the knowledge that you exist angers me.

Sorry. I digress.

This is a compelling documentary that left a few points resonating with me:

1) Jimmy Page is a f’ing cool guy. He just turned 68 last month, his hair is silver, from certain angles he looks like he’s about 5 months pregnant and yet the former guitar man most famously known for being part of Led Zeppelin is easily the coolest guy in the room. Every time he plays, you look at Page and think “That’s what a rock star looks like.” In fact, even when the three guitarists play together, you have the Edge standing stoically, looking like a gay longshoreman, you have Jack White usually sitting, concentrating angrily and dressed like a circus ringmaster from an 80s horror movie and then you have Page pouting his lips tapping his heel and alternating between leaning back and leaning forward really low but constantly moving. Despite my bad jokes, all are great guitarists, but Page is also a natural rock star. In comparison, the Edge isn’t even trying and Jack White seems like he’s trying too hard.

2) I should have tried to play guitar instead of the electric keyboard.

3) I underrated Jack White as a musician. My bad, will not happen again. Actually it likely will, but not with Jack White specifically. I also underrated Jack White as a crazy person. He’s far more crazier than I thought as punctuated by the last scene of the documentary. I won’t spoil it for you.

4) Despite the Edge’s statue like appearance, until this movie, I underappreciated how precise his work is and how much technology he’s impressively infused into a classic instrument like the guitar. I realize it’s kind of obvious when you think back and recall U2’s songs but you still don’t appreciate it until you see the equipment he uses. Speaking of technology in music, again, I lament choosing to learn the electric keyboard. (It was a Yamaha in case anyone is wondering.)

5) I’ve done this with a few other movies I’ve reviewed but if you don’t have the time or energy to watch the entire film, do yourself a favour, bring it up on Netflix, fast forward to about the 1 hour 24 minute mark and listen to these three masters play “In My Time of Dying”. I guarantee it will be worth it.

Even if rock music isn’t your thing, you can’t help but enjoy watching these guys and hearing about how they came up and seeing how their techniques vary. Sure, you could debate endlessly if this is the right selection of guitarists for a movie like this but then you’d be missing the point and you should probably instead be sharing an imported micro brew at some small dingy east side bar with the hipster music snob that I loathe so much. You guys can trade names of guitarists 99% of the world has never heard of and then trade names of boutique clothing stores where you can find the newest Japanese brand skinny jeans.

Ok, sorry, I’m doing it again. Clearly, I have issues…but not when it comes to “It Might Get Loud”! It’s a pretty simple premise and I think you get the idea. It’s an enjoyable ride, it’s only about an hour and a half long, so next time you want to switch gears a bit, check this movie out and thank me later.

Almost Everything I Needed to Know about Parenting I Learned from Movie

Posted on January 27, 2012 by RSK

By RSK

Photo by www.thompsonchan.com

I heard it all the time, leading up to the birth of our son–children are so precious and they will be the best thing to happen to you in your life. Many people would throw in a stipulation here and there, like, it is exhausting but so worth it. It is tiring, but rewarding. You have no time for yourself ever, but it is the best. Kiss your social life good-bye, but kids are so much fun. Go on vacations now and eat at all your favourite restaurants, because you will never be free, but the love you have for you kids cannot compare to anything else. You miss the freedom and feel tied down to this living being, which will go on for 18 years, unless they decide to live with you further, but we can’t imagine life without them. I noticed a pattern, where the parents were full of pride and joy towards their children, tinged with a smidgen of nostalgia for a past where they could be selfish and only have to worry about themselves. Certainly having no children doesn’t mean that your life will be full of unhappiness down the road.

Of course, I miss a lot of things from before, but I certainly can’t imagine life now without my son. I also know that there is no way I would want to go back to the period BK (not “Burger King”, but “Before Kid”). And there is great truth in all the parents who spoke so glowingly about having children, because that feeling of having a baby and the strong attachment you have to your offspring, cannot be replicated on any scale unless of course you have children. You can imagine what it must feel like, but until you experience it, you have no way of relating. To use an analogy on a much smaller magnitude, it is like eating the best sushi dish of all time at a fine restaurant. I could show you pictures, describe the dishes, rave about the experience, and support my thoughts with an armada of hipster reviews from Yelp, but even after all that nothing will beat the experience of actually sitting down and allowing for that soft toro sashimi piece to melt away on your tongue like delicate wisps of rice candy, followed by a sharp burn of the soy sauce wasabi mixture dripping off the end of the toro. (Of course this analogy is moot, if you don’t like sushi.) The best review I received about parenthood was from my friend, RM’s father, who said that for all his accomplishments, his four children were the “achievements” he was most proud of. I thought I could understand a sliver of what he meant, but looking back, there was no way I could understand unless I sat down at the restaurant of parenthood myself.

The stamp of approval of parenthood from other parents was but one way that I mentally prepared for taking care of a baby. Leading up to the birth, I was constantly hit by waves of panic and anxiety. I can barely take care of myself and my wife. How could I possibly be put in charge of a baby? Those panic attacks would subside when I realized I was not alone, as I realized I had the support of a community of friends and family. I also realized that I had a lot of wisdom passed down to me by the big screen. Yes, you read that right, the big screen. I was fortunate to have consumed so many movies over the years, that I had absorbed so many poignant lessons about parenting, which gave me a sense of calm and confidence for the new journey I was embarking on. Here are some of the things I have learned from movies. Who said movies can’t be educational?

1) Harry Potter series: Treat your child with respect.

Don’t let your kid live in a cupboard under the stairs. There is a possible outside chance he/she may become a kick-ass wizard/witch.

2) Star Wars Original Trilogy: It takes a lot for a child to hold a grudge against you. Forgiveness can always be obtained from your child no matter how bad your prior transgressions were.

Probably not nominated for any Dad of the year awards.

If killing a temple full of Jedi younglings, indirectly being responsible for the death of your mother, blowing up your sister’s entire home planet, killing your mentor, freezing your BFF in carbonite, and chopping off your hand can all be forgotten by throwing an Emperor down a power shaft, then I have some leeway for making mistakes with my son.

3) Back to the Future Trilogy: I don’t need to try to be the best father I have to be for my family.

If our family life starts going down the tubes and I become a spineless loser, who wishes he could write a blog that would allow him to write a science-fiction book, then I only need to produce a time-traveling Delorean that my son can take up to 88 mph and attend the “Enchantment Under the Sea” dance to rectify our family life. Only downside of this lesson? The creepy part where mom becomes infatuated with the son from the future.

4) Home Alone: Always double check things when traveling with children.

AHHHHH! Where has my career gone?

Passports? Check. Luggage? Check. Wallet? Check. Boarding passes? Check. Oh how about that living, breathing human being that is considered to be my son? Maybe I should bring him along? Check.

5) Up: Make sure you pay attention to your child.

A plane ride probably would have been easier in retrospect.

I know not to ignore my child if he becomes a little chubby and talkative, otherwise, he may go on a journey in a house of floating balloons and end up best friends with a cantankerous old man. The last thing I need is some random old man hanging around my house telling me how back in his day, people used to have conversations instead of staring at their “cleverphones”. Be quiet old man and let me finish up my game of “Tiny Tower“.

6) Titanic¹: There is no need for me to amass riches or provide financial support for my family.

I never knew being in claustrophobic quarters could be so fun!

This movie clearly shows that the lower class “poor” people have more fun and enjoy life. While upstairs, the rich are sweating away in their stuffy suits, sitting around, blandly talking about nothing, the poor are downstairs, having a rollicking fun time, dancing, carousing, and drinking into the night. Why would I potentially afflict my child with such a stuffy life as a Ritchie Rich? This movie shows no downsides of not being financially stable, because there weren’t even enough lifeboats for everyone and the rich guy couldn’t even buy himself a spot on a boat. Money means nothing when the ship is going down.

¹ Are you excited for the re-release of Titanic in 3D this April 6th? I know I am not. It has been 15 years since Titanic came out and as far as I am concerned enough time has not elapsed for my heart to go on again. I would be more interested in seeing this potential sequel to Titanic:

I could probably go on and on about all the other movies that taught me important lessons (“The Changeling”: Make sure you can really identify your kid, “The Shining”: Renting a place in the middle of nowhere is not healthy for family bonding etc…), but I thought I would end on a few lessons that the movies neglected to tell me.

1) Parenting ain’t no walk in the park.

I took an 8 month leave from work, where I happily played the role of the stay at home parent. I felt very fortunate being able to be at home with my son for such a solid amount of time and the experience was eye-opening and fulfilling. After 8 months, my respect for parents, especially my own, has shot up exponentially, when you are in a routine of giving all your effort and patience into one little being. I think one of the toughest parts of staying at home, was the endless repetitive tasks and chores that needed to be done, all time-consuming and labour intensive, yet when you tabulate what you accomplished at the end of the day, the tally feels rather insignificant. I curse Katherine Heigl and Josh Duhamel (Life as We Know It) and “Three Men and a Baby” for making me think all parental problems can be solved with a song.

2) Dealing with the guilt of destroying the environment.

I can’t remember which comedian said it, Louis C.K. or Chris Rock, but he said the best way of being “green” was not to have babies. Contributing infinite amounts of soiled diapers to the landfill along with adding globs of soap and detergent to the water system are just two of the many ways that I have worked to destroy our lovely planet Earth. There should be a Michael Moore documentary, pleading with all nations to reduce baby-making in order to curb global warming. If I wasn’t so tired from taking care of my son (see #1), I might lay awake at night, full of guilt over the damage our family has done.

3) How much love you have for your own child.

Like I stated in the beginning, until you have your own child, nothing can capture how much love you have for your own child. I love playing with my son as he fascinates me to no end and all he is doing is sitting and smiling. I am so excited to spend my day with him. One of my favourite moments is watching him sleep peacefully with not a care or worry on his face. Nope, no movie comes close to expressing the love a parent has for their child. Well, maybe there is one… “Taken”, starring Liam Neeson comes close.

Mechanics of a Fried Chicken Draft

Posted on January 26, 2012 by HS

One of the best things about being back to watching “regular” TV is that RSK and I unchained ourselves just as the NFL playoffs were peaking. About a week and half from now, this will culminate in the largest single game sports event on the planet: The Superbowl. Earlier this week, I sent out an email to a few buddies suggesting we get together for the game. Sure, it was a bit early, but I decided to send out the feelers for two reasons. One, as you get older, married and start having kids, things get harder and harder to plan on short notice, so you have to take a running start at getting a plan off the ground if you want more than a couple of guys to show up. Two, I was excited. Part of that excitement led me to suggest adding an event I call the Fried Chicken Draft.

Let me back up a bit before we get to what the Fried Chicken Draft is. On the West Coast where I live, the Superbowl festivities usually commence early afternoon. What this means is that between the chips, cheezies and salted meats, you find yourself in a bit of a no man’s land of junk food but often in need of a real meal. Given the nature of the day, you don’t exactly find yourself wanting to go for a garden salad.

During one session a few years ago, my buddies and I settled on fried chicken for lunch. There was a large group of us so we had to come up with a way to fairly divide up the food. Keeping in line with the sporting theme of the day, we came up with the brilliant idea of holding a chicken draft. And it is exactly what it sounds like: we basically sat around and drafted pieces of fried chicken. Well fried chicken and sides. Curious? Disgusted? Impressed? Either way, please read on for more detail on how this works.

When setting up a chicken draft, you should begin by trying to get enough pieces that will evenly divide by the number of drafters. If not, you should at least aim to have enough for three full rounds (not including sides). Anyone who refuses to participate should be asked to leave at this point, prior to the draft commencing.

Next, write sequential numbers (i.e. 1, 2, 3, etc.) on pieces of paper that should then be securely folded and tossed into the proverbial “hat,” which could be a bowl, box, shoe…you get the idea. The pieces of paper should equal the number of participants so if five people are in the draft, you would have five pieces of paper with number 1 on one piece, number 2 written on another piece, all the way up to the fifth paper, which would have the number 5 on it. I apologize if this is insulting anyone’s intelligence but I thought I should be clear here.

Once all the names are in, lay out the fried chicken on a flat surface where the pieces can be easily scrutinized and scouted by the drafters. Allow a few minutes for everyone to size up the meat before commencing the actual draft. Because you’re likely dealing with a wide variety of people with varying hygiene habits, I recommend instituting a “look but don’t touch” policy here. (Side note, I also recommend using some sort of newspaper/paper towel/wax paper base upon which to lay out the chicken but once all the chicken is gone, do not look at that paper base. Wrap it up quickly and just throw it away without giving a second thought to the giant grease stains you think you may have seen. Just trust me.)

Once the meat has been sized up and evaluated, each person picks a piece of paper out of the hat and this will determine the order of the draft in the first round. Once the last person has picked his or her piece of chicken in round one, you can either use the snake method of picking 1 to 5 in the first round, then 5 to 1 in the second, then back to 1 to 5, etc, or restart the round in the same 1 – 5 order.

Now at this point, you’re probably realizing that I’m actually serious about this concept. Before you start to judge, just know it can produce some quality dialogue featuring lines like these:

“Wow, that’s a controversial pick for the first round.”

“I’m happy with my pick. I wanted to open with a light appetizer instead of going over the top. Plus, there aren’t too many wings in this bucket.”

“Nice one. I had my eye on that piece. I can’t believe it fell into the late rounds.”

“That’s a piece of chicken that you can build a meal around.”

“Ooh. That one could go either way on you – it’s the fried chicken equivalent of a European player.”

In fact, if you wait until all pieces of chicken are picked before eating, you can make color comments like who has the strongest plate or whose meal is least likely to result in a heart attack.

I also recommend formulating some sort of strategy prior to picking. If you go in randomly grabbing away, you’re going to end up with the meal equivalent of a big market sports team – lots of individual talent but lacking in theme or cohesiveness. The best time to do this is during the scouting phase, right after the meat has been laid out for display. And yes, we are still talking about fried chicken.

My personal strategy is to go for a balanced meal. You open strong with a big piece like a breast, heavy on the loose skin and breading. This will be the anchor of your plate. In the next round, you go for a moderate sized piece like a back or thigh and then cap it off in the final round with a veteran pick like a drumstick or wing. Dress it with a few scoops of unnaturally green blended salad, some soggy fries and you’re good to go.

Another strategy is to build a plate for long term success. Basically you decide to go easy with smaller picks like wings and drumsticks, and maybe one moderately sized piece like a back or thigh. Then you focus on balancing your plate with salad, fries and a biscuit. This is the type of plate that is least likely to make you feel ill or feel an unnatural pressure on your chest afterward, hence the name “long term success.”

Finally you can use the “Go Big” strategy where you take the biggest, most skin laden, heavily battered piece of chicken available on the table…every round. Cap it with a few handfuls of fries and lots of gravy and you should be lying on the floor clutching your chest before the fourth quarter. It’s sort of like the Greek myth of Icarus because for a brief yet glorious moment, everyone will be in absolute awe of you.

After everyone has picked and if you have a few pieces left over, you can hold something like a dispersal draft, whereby those who feel they didn’t build the plate they wanted can pick up some scraps to satisfy them. Trades are also a suggestion but discouraged due to the hygiene issues discussed earlier.

Conversely, this dispersal draft could be made into a cruel joke if no one wants to voluntarily claim the pieces. Basically, you go back to the hat, draw numbers again and the unfortunate people who pick the first few numbers must eat the remaining pieces or pay for the entire meal if they refuse. This can be quite entertaining if everyone is already stuffed full of fried chicken and other processed fixins. Good times!

In related news, apparently increasing rates of obesity are causing dramatic increases in liver diseases commonly found in lifetime alcoholics. But don’t let that stop you. Hey, it’s the playoffs! It’s the Superbowl!

Hold your own draft and thank me later.

I. Am. Back.

Posted on January 19, 2012 by HS

by HS

As you read in RSK’s last post a couple of days ago, on Saturday I got the text. It was around 3pm on a sunny but cold day. I looked at the text from RSK and it said “we should consider ending this Netflix only thing.” My immediate response was, “I’m in.” We went back and forth about how it maybe wasn’t working for lots of reasons, that we’d have more material if we abandoned the gimmick, and on and on. I can’t remember the complete details because the room had started to spin as I madly planned the next several hours of TV in my head.

There was a football game going on at the time but I couldn’t turn on the TV just yet. It had to be perfect. I quickly told my confused wife that it was going to be a late night and not to wait up as I darted out the door. I ran to Pronto Cafe and picked up a sopressata Italian sandwich. I eagerly brought the sandwich home and laid it on a plate. I heated up some water for a French press coffee. While it was going, I got some potato chips and laid them on the plate next to the sandwich. I waited for the coffee to finish and poured the cup. I moved my meal over to a station by the TV. It had to be perfect. It was too early for candles.

Don’t ask me to explain why my first instinct was to pull together a meal at 3:00 pm before making my return to regular TV, because I don’t know the answer. I can only say that I briefly felt like one of those serial killers that has to have everything perfect before he (or she) executes a planned murder. In retrospect, I probably had a similarly serene yet vaguely maniacal look on my face as I hit the ‘power’ button on my remote. What follows is a tale of my journey.

I immediately went for the football game, followed quickly by a bite of my delicious sandwich. I cannot tell you how good it felt to watch football after even a few months without it. I was truly surprised how good I felt as if seeing the crowds, the field and listening to the dull no-value-add commentary triggered the release of some weird hormone inside me. I never even played organized football so this realization was truly amazing. Even the crappy Canadian commercials felt refreshing, with the possible exception of the pick up truck commercials. I don’t think those can ever be good. “Like a rock, I was standing arrow straight…” (Yes, I am referring to a song from an old truck commercial and not the result of my…ahem…excitement.)

Boy was I treated to amazing game between the San Francisco 49ers and the New Orleans Saints. I tuned in as the third quarter was already underway and I was treated to one of the most amazing, action packed finishes I have seen in an NFL game. Ever. Four lead changes in the last five minutes of the game, capped off by a last second touchdown by the 49ers to win the game and advance in the playoffs. I can’t remember my heard beating that fast during an NFL game for a long time. Although in retrospect, this could possibly be due to the high sodium, high fat sandwich and chips I washed down with an extra strong cup of coffee. Regardless, as the game concluded and I caught my breath, I thought of RSK’s text and the game I just watched and could only conclude one thing: this was a sign from God. Giving me this football game as my comeback was her way of sendng me a wink and a knowing finger point to suggest, this was a good thing.

I winked back and dove in to the second NFL playoff game. It was still good to watch football but let’s just say that second game wasn’t as exciting as the San Francisco game. I won’t go into the details but a halftime score of 35 – 7 in favour of the New England Patriots over the Denver Broncos was a pretty good tell. By halftime, I was salivating at the prospect of cracking open my DVR, which had been recording all my shows over the last few months as if it was business as usual. I will say that one thing about the NFL I didn’t miss was the dry, fake laugh filled NFL pre-game, halftime and post-game shows, so halftime of the Patriots game seemed like a good time to transition to my packed DVR.

Before RSK and I cut off TV, I made the savvy move of changing all my settings so that I recorded shows in standard definition to save space. (Excuse me while I pause to pat myself on the back…Thank you.) The result was that I had a smorgasbord of shows available to watch and multiple episodes of each. By now it was about 8 pm and it was time to watch the one show that had been really haunting me these last few months: the two final episodes of this season’s “Breaking Bad”. It had been killing me that I couldn’t watch them the last few months. Several times, I considered cheating on this Netflix Canada only challenge with these two episodes only to stop just shy of hitting the ‘play’ button. Only an unlikely cocktail of guilt and loyalty had stopped me. Not today. Before I watched these two episodes, I actually wrote in my notebook, “IT IS ON!!!” in all caps, with exactly three exclamation points.

Flash forward about an hour and forty minutes and after all those months, finally getting to watch these shows was…good. Not great, but good. Why not great? Because watching the final two season episodes of an exciting show like “Breaking Bad” after a long break from the rhythm of the show’s season was sort of like making sweet love to your significant other, getting interrupted by your mom and then finishing later. Sure, it’s still fun and enjoyable, but it’s just not the same after the break in the action. Such was the case with those last two episodes of Breaking Bad. As I watched them, I was fully aware how great they were and I knew I should be feeling more engaged in the action and story, but I just wasn’t.

By now, it was almost 10 pm and I decided it was time for a palette cleanser. Time for a little “Parks and Recreation”. It had been too long without having Ron Swanson, Tom Haverford and even John Ralphio in my life. They didn’t disappoint. I think Ron Swanson is one of the funniest comedy characters on TV right now and I think Entertainment 720 is one of the funniest concepts I have ever seen. These grandiose statements also show how much I’ve missed my TV over the last few months and I burned through two episodes of Parks in what felt like a blink of an eye. That’s a lie because I don’t think I had blinked for over two hours at that point. I actually recall looking at myself in the mirror on one of a few bathroom breaks and noticing the whites of my eyes had turned an unhealthy pale pink.

Undaunted, as I neared eight hours of straight TV, I moved on to “The Walking Dead,” another show that had been calling to me over the last few months. I watched four episodes in a row. Let’s just get that out of the way now. Regarding the show itself, something awful has happened to this show and I’ll get into it in more detail on another post but after they booted Frank Darabont as the single show runner after season one and replaced him with a committee of writers, the pace of this show has slowed to a painfully sluggish pace with maybe one or two tense scenes per episode. I fell in love with this show based on the constant action that was mixed with the fast paced human drama. This new version cut down the action considerably, slowed the drama down to “regular” network drama levels and clearly separated the two. The result, a sometimes agonizingly slow pace where you’re just waiting for the next hit of action that you keep feeling is just around the corner. However, I still ripped through four episodes, which left me questioning myself as a human being. However, at this point it was after 2 am and I had been watching TV for about 11 hours with only a break to eat a mandated dinner with my exasperated and semi-disgusted wife. My pinkish eyes now had streaks of red bloodshot lines so I decided to call it a night. Contrary to what you may think, I didn’t feel exhausted or gross, I still felt great, even as I tried to fall asleep with images of Alex Smith, Walter White, Ron Swanson and zombies dancing on the inside of my eyelids.

The funny thing was, I was so excited I was up again at 8 am the next morning. Literally like a kid at Christmas when normally, I’m the guy that sleeps into the pm on weekends. In fact, I’ve never been a morning person. Sunday was more of the same so I won’t bore you with the details because I’m starting to feel like the drug addict that brags about how many different drugs he’s tried. “We get it, you have a problem but no need to show off.” All I will say is a few episodes of Parks and Recreation is a great way to start your day. And it wasn’t until around the sixth episode where The Walking Dead starts to get back on track, if only slightly.

Monday was a work day so I had returned to some level of normalcy after my epic run. The thing I was most looking forward to was “WWE Monday Night Raw”. Yes, I am north of 35 years old, and I still look forward to wrestling. Yet again, I’m feeling like I woke out of a coma. This time I really won’t bore you with the details but it’s going to take a while to get back into the stories.

Unlike RSK, I didn’t trade my TV time for internet/pop culture reading time, so in a lot of ways, I don’t know the finer details of what’s been going on in “the real world”, so it’s felt like a rediscovery of sorts in trying to get caught up on my knowledge of pop culture and sports. Sadly, wrestling was my big reminder of this.

So did I leave Netflix? Nope. I’m still enjoying my holy trinity of Netflix TV shows: “Mad Men”, “Rescue Me” and “Dexter”. So instead of being a drug addict that moved from cocaine to a cheaper substitute like crack, I now do both. And the rush feels good either way. As I told RSK in one of our text messages, the sun is shining brightly. It’s good to be back.

The Worthington Dispatch

Two geeks. One subpar service. 365 days of hell.

Evolutionary Change Towards the Vancouver Canucks

Life Lessons I Learned from Road House

The Things I am Most Grateful For (March Edition)

Thoughts on Linsanity, Race, and Two Other Asian Athletes

The Things I am Most Grateful For (February Edition)

What Have I Been Watching?

It Might Get Loud

Almost Everything I Needed to Know about Parenting I Learned from Movie

Mechanics of a Fried Chicken Draft

I. Am. Back.